Ruby wedding anniversary: what 40 years means and how to mark it

Forty years in, the children often have families of their own, there may be grandchildren, and the couple mostly lives as two again. That shapes the celebration: less programme, more time together, and a good deal of freedom, because nobody expects anything in particular at forty.

This guide explains the name, suggests ways to celebrate, and offers seven wishes to adapt and gift ideas with and without a real ruby, followed by an invitation and the less usual cases. The names of the other years are in wedding anniversary names by year.

Ruby is the 40th on the traditional British and American lists and on the modern American list as well, so there is nothing to reconcile. In Britain the phrase ruby wedding is in everyday use; Americans tend to say ruby anniversary or simply 40th anniversary.

The stone supplies the meaning. Ruby is the red variety of the mineral corundum; its colour comes from traces of chromium, and its name from the Latin ruber, red. It rates 9 on the Mohs scale of hardness, where diamond sits at the top with 10. Red for love and warmth, hardness for endurance: after forty years both fit.

Couples who married in 1986 reach their ruby anniversary in 2026. Many are close to retirement by then or already there, which makes a trip outside the school holidays easy to arrange.

Official greetings at forty are thin on the ground. In Canada, the Prime Minister's certificates run every five years from the 25th, so a 40th qualifies, on request at least six weeks ahead and for Canadian citizens only; in British Columbia the Premier also sends greetings from the 25th onwards. The White House form, the King's messages in the UK and the Australian scheme only start later. Catholic couples can request a papal blessing parchment for the 40th, and several US dioceses include 40-year couples in their annual anniversary Mass; ask at the parish.

Nobody has to celebrate. Precisely because the ruby anniversary is less fixed than silver or gold, every couple can mark it in their own way. Five forms that work:

• A family meal: children, their partners and grandchildren at one table, at home or in a favourite restaurant. Allow four to six weeks if people have to travel.
• A party with friends: a good fit for couples who skipped their silver anniversary or want to bring the original guests together once more. Twenty to forty guests, one room, a buffet.
• A trip for two: back to the honeymoon destination, or somewhere long put off. Couples no longer tied to school holidays can travel in the quieter season.
• A day of looking back: get the wedding photos out, play the first-dance song, write each other a letter. It costs nothing and often stays in the memory longest.
• Renewing your vows: in a small circle, with a celebrant or in church. Renewing your wedding vows explains how it works.

Red is the obvious colour theme: red roses on the table, red wine with dinner, napkins in deep ruby. That is as much theme as anyone needs. More important than decoration is one moment when the forty years become visible, such as a photograph from each decade on the table or a short speech from one of the children. Whoever raises a glass will find that wedding toast etiquette carries over well.

A ruby anniversary message can pick up the stone, but it does not have to. A line about the couple themselves works better. Templates to adapt:

• From the children: "Forty years, and you still hold hands when you think nobody's looking. We always notice, and it makes us happy every time. Happy ruby anniversary!"
• From the grandchildren: "Dear Nan and Grandad, forty years married is nearly as old as Dad! Happy anniversary, and we're really looking forward to the cake."
• From friends: "Forty years of marriage is like a good ruby: rare, hard-won and a colour that doesn't fade. To you both, and to many more years with us around the table."
• From the maid of honour: "Dear Helen, forty years ago I stood next to you and said this one would last. I'm saying it again today, with a lot more evidence. Love to you both."
• From neighbours, more formal: "Warmest congratulations on your 40th wedding anniversary. We wish you many more years together in good health, and plenty more good conversations over the garden fence."
• To your partner: "Forty years, three flats, one house, too many cars and still the same person I most want to wake up next to. Thank you for all of it."
• Short, for a card: "Forty years: ruby red and not faded one bit. Congratulations!"

More texts for partners, parents and friends are in the anniversary wishes; for the structure of the card itself, see what to write in a wedding card.

The material suggests something red. Natural rubies are expensive, though, and their price depends heavily on size, colour and clarity. The alternative is a laboratory-grown ruby: synthetic rubies were first made in the nineteenth century, and the Verneuil flame-fusion process has produced them commercially since the early 1900s. They are the same mineral, corundum, so when buying, ask whether a stone is natural or laboratory-grown. Either can be right; you simply want to know what you are paying for.

Three tiers as a guide; the amounts are rough ranges:

• Under about $40 or £30: a red rose bush for the garden, two glasses in ruby red, a bottle of red wine with a home-made label, a card with forty memories from the family.
• About $40 to $150, or £30 to £120: a photo book with forty pictures from forty years, dinner at the restaurant from the wedding day, concert tickets, a reprint of the newspaper from the wedding day.
• More, or as a group: a piece of jewellery set with a ruby, a weekend at the honeymoon destination, a family contribution to a bigger trip.

Between partners, jewellery with a small ruby is the classic: a slim ring worn beside the wedding ring, or a pendant. If you would rather spend less, stay with the colour instead of the stone: an evening in which red runs through the table, the food and the wine says the same thing.

A ruby anniversary invitation does not need a formal card; a personal message will do, as long as it gives the date, the place and a reply-by date. An example for dinner at home:

"Forty years married, and we would like to celebrate with you. Please join us for dinner at our house on Saturday 24 October at 7 pm. Come as you are; if you like, bring a memory of us from the last forty years. We'd be glad to hear from you by 10 October."

And the cases that differ from the usual picture:

• The silver anniversary never happened. A couple who could not celebrate fifteen years ago because of illness, a move or simply lack of time can make up for it now. That is not a second-class substitute but a party with fifteen more years of story, and most of what works for a silver wedding anniversary carries over.
• The couple doesn't want to celebrate. Then a card and a phone call are enough. A surprise party without asking is risky, because some couples prefer to spend the day quietly.
• One partner is ill. A meal at home with the closest family, or a later date, is better than a party that costs energy. The day itself can be marked with a card and flowers.
• One partner has died. The day is often hard for the one who remains. A call or a visit in which the late partner is mentioned by name usually helps more than tactful silence.