What do you write in a wedding card?

The card outlives the gift. Couples keep them, reread them in the first year and often keep a box of them for decades, which is a lot of weight for something usually written in a parking lot ten minutes before the ceremony.

This article gives a structure that works, wording for the awkward relationships, and the small etiquette around mentioning money, second marriages and absent people. It is deliberately not a list of quotations to copy: the sentence people remember is always the specific one.

Four moves, in this order. It takes about ninety seconds once you know the shape.

1. Congratulate them, by name. Both names. A card addressed to only the half you know reads exactly as it sounds.
2. Say something only you could say. A memory, a detail, something you noticed about them together. This is the whole card; everything else is packaging.
3. Look forward. A wish for the marriage rather than for the day, which is nearly over by the time they read it.
4. Sign off warmly. With love, from, all our love. Match it to how you actually speak to them.

Two habits improve almost any card. Write it before the day, at a table, rather than balanced on a knee. And read it back once, because the most common error is a card that mentions one partner three times and the other not at all.

If you are stuck on the second move, three prompts unlock it: when did you first hear about the other one, what changed when they got together, and what do you actually think they are like as a pair.

The register shifts more than the content does. Use the table as a starting point rather than a script.

Two things to avoid across all of them. Jokes about the loss of freedom, which were tired thirty years ago and read badly to whichever partner picks the card up. And advice, unless it was asked for; a card is not the place for what marriage has taught you.

Cash is now the most common wedding gift in Britain and Ireland, and the card is where it is acknowledged. The etiquette is simpler than people fear.

• Put it last. The message first, the money line at the end. A card that opens with the contribution reads as a receipt.
• One line is enough. Something towards the honeymoon, or towards the house. Naming a purpose makes it a gift rather than a transaction.
• Do not name the amount. Ever. Not in the card, not in the message that goes with a transfer.
• Do not apologise for it. A small amount with a good card is a good gift. Writing sorry it is not more makes the recipient responsible for your feelings.
• If you have transferred it, say so. One sentence, so nobody spends the evening looking for an envelope that does not exist.

If the couple have asked for contributions to something specific, mirror their wording. Couples who name a fund have usually thought about how to phrase it, and echoing their language is the least awkward route. Where they have set it out in their wedding details, that is also where the payment information will be, which saves everyone an exchange of messages.

If you are giving no gift at all, write the card anyway and say nothing about it. The absence explains itself, and the card is what gets kept.

Five cases come up often enough to think about in advance.

A second marriage. Write it exactly as you would a first. Avoid this time and finally, both of which point backwards.

Blended families. If children are part of the day, naming them is generous and almost always appreciated. Check the names and the spellings.

Someone significant has died. A single sentence acknowledging an absent parent is one of the kindest things a card can contain, provided it is brief and does not become the subject of the card. If you are unsure, err towards including it: most people would rather their person were mentioned than passed over.

You could not attend. Say you were thinking of them, not that you were sorry to miss it, and skip the explanation. The card is not the place to relitigate your absence.

You are writing on behalf of several people. One person writes the message and everyone signs. A card with six separate paragraphs in six hands is a compliments slip.

Small things, and they are the ones that go wrong.

• Write the names on the envelope. Cards get separated from gifts constantly, and an unsigned card with cash in it is a genuine problem for the couples thank-you list.
• Sign with your full name if you are anything other than a close friend. Two Sarahs at a wedding is not a rare event.
• Add your address if you want a thank-you card to reach you. Couples spend a surprising amount of January chasing addresses.
• Seal it properly if there is money inside, and put it in the card box rather than handing it to whoever is nearest.
• Keep it in one pen. A card finished in a different colour was finished in the car.

On the card itself: a plain card with four handwritten sentences beats an elaborate one with a printed verse and a signature. If you buy a card with a printed message, cross nothing out, just write underneath it.

And write it in advance. Every couple can tell which cards were written at the venue, and it is not because of the handwriting.

If you are giving as a couple or a family, one card and one message signed by everyone is the norm. Separate cards from a household read as a mix-up rather than as generosity, and they double the couples thank-you list for no gain.