75th wedding anniversary: what it is called and how to mark it

Anyone who married at twenty is ninety-five at their 75th anniversary. The eldest children are often past seventy, the grandchildren in middle age, and around the tea table there may be four generations. The golden anniversary is a quarter of a century back, and some of what was possible then isn't now. That is no reason to let the day pass, but it is a reason to plan it differently.

This guide sorts out the name, sums up who sends official congratulations and when to ask, and shows a day that respects the couple's strength, with wishes, gifts and the special cases. The earlier anniversaries are in the list of wedding anniversary names by year.

Traditional lists on both sides of the Atlantic give diamond for the seventy-fifth year, some of them diamond and gold. That repeats the name of the diamond anniversary at sixty, and there is no settled way of telling the two apart. Families usually solve it by saying the number: "our 75th" is clearer than "our diamond" when the couple's own diamond anniversary is only fifteen years back. Diamond, the hardest natural material, is the obvious image of permanence.

In German-speaking countries the 75th has a name of its own, the Kronjuwelenhochzeit or crown jewel wedding: something rare, irreplaceable and handed down through the generations rather than worn. English has no equivalent, but the image travels well and suits a card for a couple with German roots.

Beyond seventy-five the names thin out further. The older British lists give oak for the eightieth, and the official messages continue: the King's every year after the seventieth, the White House's for any anniversary past the fiftieth.

The 75th qualifies for official messages in the UK, the US, Canada and Australia, and in every case they have to be requested. A message for the platinum anniversary five years ago doesn't mean the next one arrives by itself: each anniversary is a new request.

• United Kingdom and the Commonwealth realms: a card from the King, requested from the Anniversaries Office with a copy of the marriage certificate. Online applications open five weeks before the date and postal ones three weeks before; a belated message can be requested up to six months afterwards.
• United States: a greeting from the President, requested through the online form on the White House website, which covers the 25th, the 50th and every later anniversary. No deadline is published, so allow several weeks.
• Canada: greetings from the King and the Governor General, requested together from Rideau Hall at least eight weeks before the date, plus a certificate from the Prime Minister, requested separately at least six weeks ahead and available to Canadian citizens.
• Australia: messages from the King, the Governor-General and the Prime Minister through one application to the Department of the Prime Minister and Cabinet, up to three months ahead, with a marriage certificate, passport or statutory declaration as proof. The form can also be handed in at the office of a state or federal MP.
• Ireland: there is no published scheme for wedding anniversaries. The President's well-known letter comes with the Centenarian Bounty at a 100th birthday.

Put together, the deadlines give a simple rule: start preparing two months ahead. That covers Canada's eight weeks and the Australian advice to apply no later than two months before, and leaves time to find the marriage certificate; in the UK, the application itself then goes in during the last five weeks. Catholic couples can add an Apostolic Blessing on parchment from the Vatican's Office of Papal Charities, which issues them for the 75th; it takes about a month to arrive.

One note for families who would rather keep things private: the Australian department may pass the details to the couple's local MPs and state dignitaries so that they can write too, unless the application says it shouldn't.

With a couple of this age, energy is the scarcest thing in the day. Planning starts not with the guest list but with a question: which single moment would mean most to them? A particular visitor, a song, a blessing, a photograph with all the great-grandchildren. Everything else is built around it.

• Sixty to ninety minutes of company is enough for many very old people. Anyone who wants to stay longer takes turns with others.
• Familiar surroundings beat any restaurant: their own home, their room or the lounge of the care home. Journeys, stairs and unfamiliar bathrooms cost strength that is then missing at the table.
• One person runs the day. They greet people, watch for signs of tiredness and close things kindly when it's time.
• One speech only. A two-minute toast says more than three speeches, and the advice on writing a speech that lands applies at ninety-five as much as at a wedding.
• In a care home, agree things early. Care routines, meals and rest times set the frame; a checklist is in the guide to the 67th anniversary.

Recording the couple's story

An anniversary this long is also a reason to listen. Often nobody has ever written down how the two of them met or where they first lived. That works best in the weeks before, over several short conversations. A grandchild asks the questions and a phone records the answers, with the couple's agreement. Good questions are open and simple:

1. Where and how did you meet?
2. What was your wedding day like, and what did it cost?
3. Where was your first home together?
4. What was the hardest year, and what kept you together?
5. What would you tell a young couple today?

The answers might become a short reading on the day, but above all they become a recording the family can still listen to in decades.

Cards for a 75th are often written by people who are old themselves: children, siblings, neighbours from long ago. The wording can be plain and warm. How a card is structured is explained in what to write in a wedding card. Original wishes, free to use:

• From a son or daughter: "Dear Mum and Dad, I'm not young myself any more, and I still haven't seen anything better than the two of you side by side. Seventy-five years. Thank you for letting us be part of it."
• From the grandchildren: "Dear Grandma and Grandpa, what you built in seventy-five years now holds up four generations. We're celebrating you, and we're more grateful than we can say."
• From the great-grandchildren, dictated: "You are the king and queen of our family, so today you get a crown each. And lots of kisses."
• From neighbours or the parish, formal: "Warmest congratulations on your 75th wedding anniversary. Three quarters of a century together is a treasure that shines far beyond your own family."
• From the care team: "We see every day how kindly you treat each other. Happy 75th anniversary from all of us on the team."
• Short, for the flowers: "75 years. You two are the jewels in our family's crown."

If you use one of these, add a memory only you share with the couple. More wording for every kind of anniversary is in the collection of anniversary wishes.

What to give at seventy-five years

At this age hardly anyone needs things. The best gifts last without taking up space:

• Up to about $30 / £25: their favourite chocolates in a nice tin, flowers in white and gold, a paper crown each for the photo, but only if they have the sense of humour for it.
• About $30 to $100 / £25 to £80: the recorded stories, typed up in large print and bound as a small booklet with a copy for each child; a framed wedding photograph next to a current one.
• From the whole family: a four-generation photograph by a photographer who comes to the house or the home and is done in a quarter of an hour.

Special cases

• One partner is in hospital. The celebration becomes a fifteen-minute visit at the bedside, with flowers and a card, agreed with the ward. The rest can follow later.
• Only one of them is alive. There are no official messages then. The date still matters to the widowed partner, and it doesn't have to be passed over in silence; a visit with old photographs is often more welcome than tactful quiet.
• One of them no longer recognises everyone. Few, familiar guests, no programme, plenty of time. Anyone who hasn't seen the couple for a while asks beforehand how things are.
• The couple don't want a celebration. Even in the mid-nineties the rule holds: anyone who doesn't want to celebrate doesn't. A card, a call and a visit are enough.