Which customs belong to a church wedding, and what do they mean?

Couples planning a church wedding often assume the whole shape is prescribed, and then discover that most of it is negotiable and a small part of it is not.

This article separates the two. It covers the customs, where they come from and whether they can be changed, and it marks the handful of elements that are actually required. It describes the Church of England service most closely, because that is the most common church wedding in England and Wales, with notes where other traditions differ.

The distinction is worth having in front of you before you start choosing.

Banns are the public announcement of an intended marriage, read on three Sundays in the parishes where each of you lives and where you are marrying. They exist so that anyone with a legal objection can raise it, and they are the oldest surviving piece of the process.

Everything in the lower half of that table can be changed by asking. Vicars are asked constantly and are rarely surprised; the answer is usually yes, and where it is no there is normally a specific reason.

The bride entering last, on the arm of her father, with the congregation standing, is the single most recognisable image of a church wedding, and almost all of it is custom.

Being given away. The words in the older service ask who gives this woman to be married, and the historical meaning is a transfer of responsibility from one household to another. That reading is uncomfortable for a lot of people, and the modern Church of England service offers an alternative in which both families are asked to support the couple, or the question is omitted entirely.

The common variations, all of which are ordinary:

• Walking in with both parents.
• Walking in with a mother, a sibling, a child or a friend.
• Walking in alone.
• The couple walking in together, which removes the reveal but is increasingly chosen.

The bride on the left. Custom, and the explanation usually given is that it left the groom's sword arm free. Like most sword explanations in wedding folklore, it is often said and thinly evidenced. Swapping sides is allowed and is sometimes done for practical reasons, such as which side the light falls on.

The veil over the face, lifted at the front, is covered by the same freedom: keep it, wear the veil back, or leave it out.

The middle of the service is where the required and the customary sit closest together.

1. The declarations. Each of you is asked whether you are willing to marry the other. Required, and the wording is set.
2. The vows. Required. There is a choice of authorised forms, including whether to include the word obey, which is now optional in the Church of England and is usually left out.
3. The rings. Customary rather than required. Two rings is now standard; one was normal until relatively recently. There is a set of words for giving them, and a blessing.
4. The proclamation. The priest declares you married. This is the moment it happens, not the kiss.
5. The register. Signed with two witnesses, who must be old enough to understand what they are witnessing. Since 2021 in England and Wales this is a schedule signed at the church and returned to the register office rather than the old bound register.

The kiss, incidentally, is custom and not part of the service at all. Priests will usually invite it because everybody expects it, and it is entirely reasonable to say you would rather not.

Readings, hymns and music are chosen with the vicar. Most churches will ask for readings to be agreed in advance, and many have a view about secular readings and about recorded music.

The customs at the end of the service are the most visible and the most locally variable.

Bells. Ringing after a wedding is an old English parish custom and is still widely available where a tower has a band. It is usually charged for, often 150 to 300 pounds in England, and it needs booking well in advance because bell ringers are volunteers with calendars. American couples will rarely meet this line at all: full-circle change ringing exists at only a few dozen towers in North America, and a church that rings for a wedding here normally uses a chime or a recording at no separate charge.

Confetti. Almost always restricted. Many parishes allow dried petals in the churchyard but not in the porch or on the path, and some ask for nothing at all. The reason is that a churchyard is maintained by a handful of volunteers, not by a cleaning contract.

Photographs. The rules vary sharply by parish. Some allow photography throughout, some only from a fixed position, some none during the service itself. Ask early, because a photographer who finds out on the day has planned the wrong day.

The receiving line. Custom, and increasingly dropped. With a hundred and fifty guests it takes about forty minutes, which is a large part of a drinks reception.

Flowers. Many churches have their own arrangements and a flower guild, and some ask that arrangements be left afterwards for the Sunday service. That is worth knowing before ordering pedestals you expected to take with you.

Almost every question in this article is answered by the same conversation, and it happens earlier than most couples expect.

• Ask what is fixed and what is not. Vicars distinguish clearly between doctrine, parish practice and habit, and they will tell you which is which.
• Ask about music and readings early, because these are the areas most likely to have a policy.
• Ask about the building. Access, heating, seating, sound, and whether there is a service before or after yours.
• Ask what it costs. Church of England fees are set nationally and published, with extras for bells, organist, choir and heating on top.

Other Christian traditions vary in ways worth naming. A Roman Catholic wedding may take place within a nuptial Mass and involves its own preparation. Orthodox weddings include the crowning, and the couple do not exchange vows in the Western sense. Nonconformist churches often have far more flexibility over the shape of the service. In Scotland the legal framework differs again, since it is the celebrant rather than the building that carries the authority.

Whatever you settle on, tell your guests what to expect. A short note about the order of service, whether there is confetti, and where to go afterwards saves a great deal of standing about, and it is exactly what a wedding website is for.